The Biggest Mistake Of My Life Led To This

I Had To Remind Myself

So, as a reminder to myself, I decided to create physical evidence for my future self as a reminder of how I felt in that exact moment. I recorded a voice memo explaining the events that led me to this very moment. Through my tears, I was able to talk out my feelings, and it went something like this.

Too Many Years

“Eight years ago, I made the biggest mistake of my life and today I regret it.” Yes, that’s really the first sentence of my recording. I can hear my voice struggling to speak through my tears and sniffles of my runny nose. Listening back to the first 60 seconds of that recording was so difficult. It was hard to hear how much pain I was in and how broken I felt in that moment.

I Blame Myself

During that recording I talked about how we first met and how there were red flags in the beginning that I ignored until I couldn’t ignore them anymore and decided to walk away in less than one year. Please believe when I say that I was done. I had made up my mind to leave and I did just that. Well, of course, as you may know, life likes to throw curveballs, about two weeks after leaving him and going no contact, I learned that I was pregnant.

I Didn’t Want This

Now what, remember that vulnerability I mentioned earlier? Here it is again. I never wanted to have kids. Wait, let me rephrase that. I never wanted to have kids of my own. I always thought I would adopt my kids when the time is right. When I am ready, either with the right partner or by myself if it led to that. Long story short, I didn’t want to keep the baby. He wanted the baby and he asked me several times to have the baby. In the end, it was my mom who convinced me to keep the baby, we got back together. Again, another mistake.

It Went On For Too Long

That was the beginning of years of infidelity. Yes, I am aware that I said “years.” We moved in together shortly after the baby was born. Infidelity after infidelity, and I still stayed and tried to make things work.

It Happened Again

When our son was about four years old and I was pregnant with our second child it happened. Do you remember that vulnerability I mentioned earlier? Here it is again. When I was pregnant with our second child he left me for another woman and got engaged to her. A woman that I questioned him and his relationship with her multiple times and he would lie and say they are just friends.

I Wasn’t Surprised

I wasn’t surprised when the truth came to light, but the engagement was a surprise, to say the least. Since then, I have asked him on three separate occasions about him being engaged. He denied it all three times. Let me be clear about that: I’m the only person he would lie to about his engagement; he would tell the truth about it to anyone else who asked.

This Was The Hardest Part

However broken I was around that time, I raised my kids with very little help from him even though he lived about four to five minutes away from me. I got over him, as difficult as it was, and carried on with my life. I remained as low contact as possible without hindering him from being an active participant in his children’s lives. He, however, chose to do as little as possible for his own kids while actively helping her raise her children.

I Still Can’t Believe He Did This

The day I gave birth to our second child via C-section, I might add. So do you remember that vulnerability I mentioned earlier? Here it is again. I gave birth all alone because he never showed up like he said he would. He did, however, manage to show up hours later while I was still in recovery, somewhat sedated, body still numb from the waist down, to argue with me about putting him on child support.

He Chose The Worst Time To Do This

Now, when I say I was still in recovery, I mean that I was in a large recovery room with several other women also in recovery, and the only separation was a hospital curtain for privacy and, of course, the nurses and other staff members in that same room as well.

He Still Wasn’t Done

He left after the argument, and I didn’t see him again until day 4 in the hospital, which was the day of my discharge. That was the day he showed up to sign the birth certificate. This visit turned into another arguement with me about child support. Meanwhile, my rent wasn’t paid and I was about to be evicted. Shortly after signing the birth certificate he left and he didn’t take me home. My dad and sister came to pick me up from the hospital when I was discharged and took me home.

So How Did I End Up Here?

So what got to me sitting on the side of the bath tub at 2:00am in the morning crying? We now live in different states. Over the past couple of weeks I have been questioning him about his relationship with his ex wife. He was previously married and got divorced before we ever even met. He never end up marrying the woman he left me for and got engaged to.

Then His Ex-Wife Entered The chat

Recently, I noticed his ex-wife has been posting the two of them on her social media in ways that implies that they are dating. In some of the more intimate postings she is very careful not to post his face. But come on, he cant be hidden from me, I just need to see a tiny glipse of his body or hear his voice to know its him. He denied it when I first asked him. Then when I pointed out where I saw the evidence he admits to a lesser non-intimate and more platonic encounter between them. This conversation kept coming up in the recent weeks.

What Is He Tryng To Hide?

Then he went out of town for a work event. We communicate via video chat everyday. We almost never call or text; it’s always via video call since we are now long distance. Lately, he has been trying to shy away from video calls, and I do not agree with that. Because why after all this time of video calling, he is now having an issue with it? I question that, and he is on the defense and doesn’t like that I question it, and making an issue of it.

While he is out of town, he doesn’t want to get on the phone for video calls and gives me every excuse to get off the phone. It also seems like he had another woman staying in his hotel while he was there. We had some really intense conversations, and he said some really hurtful things that led to me sitting on the side of the bathtub crying at almost 2:00am and realizing that I have made the biggest mistake of my life getting back with him eight years ago.

If you want to listen to the raw uncut, unedit recording of me sitting in the bathroom on the side of the bath tub, tears and all; you can listen to it here: https://open.spotify.com/show/1duJvd1us0jlzj8clg59v3. I’m posting my story and hope that it can help someone to not have to go through the same thing I did. Comment below if you have experienced something similar and how you got thru it.